Vivacity or Stagnation?

     We often ask the question of happiness to ourselves as well as other. Am I happy? Are you happy?  It is a sort of general question, inferring that happiness should be forefront in our lives as a general rule. It seems we expect the answer to be 'yes,' most of the time.  But I think we are just answering the way we think we should answer in order to sound fulfilled, or right-minded, or pleasant to others.   I, for one, do not expect to be actually happy, all of the time.
      I do like to be happy or contented, whether just because of one incident or thought, or for days at a time, week, maybe months. There was a time in my life when my husband was alive, that I was actually happy most of the time. I was smug about my life and good fortune, and for some reason, I lived as if I thought it would never end, or at least not for many years. I had all but forgotten about any unhappiness I had experienced prior to my marriage of over two decades. My husband and I sometimes huddled together in a quick, silent fear of what old age might bring, but it was only for a flash, because we were healthy and vibrant, and could put the thought out of our minds. We laughed and talked and planned as if our time would never end. Maybe that is the way contentment is supposed to make us feel. Cancer, and then death came to us, taking away everything from my life that was good and happy, except for my pets and physical home.
     A friend asked me the other day how my current relationship was going, and I told her that I was not 'happy' in the least, but more in limbo. She scoffed in disgust at the thought, and said, "Happiness is not even in the equation for me anymore,' explaining that she was so used to being unfulfilled, yet getting through each day with perhaps, some pleasantness or satisfaction in her work or other interests. And that's it???
     To me, a relationship, a true partnership needs vibrancy and freshness. It needs to feel full, even if not actually 'happy' all of the time. Like when you first meet someone, and you can't wait to talk to them again, and tell them what you think, and know that they are interested.  Likewise, you, waiting to ask this question or that, wanting to get to know them better, and feel their essence when they speak, and engage you in conversation and thoughts. I expect that sort of communication to be with us during our entire relationship, for however many years we live together. Without it, I would not only be unhappy, unfulfilled, disconnected, but isolated, as if I were living alone,  never mind the creature comforts, or friends, we may still share.
      If someone is regularly disinterested in talking to me about what we both think, then there is no longer a connection worth salvaging. If I find it again with someone else, I will cherish that relationship, and that person, and revel in the vibrancy and true intimacy between us.

1987, Coxsackie, NY property

My Pets, My Family

     I often get surprised expressions when I refer to my cats and dogs as 'my family,' but they truly are.  I have no human family to speak of, except my sister who is very far away. No children, no aunts, uncles, cousins,  no longer a husband, no one.

     My late husband and I cherished our pets, and enjoyed including them in our daily life. After he was gone, and I was in deep grief, my dogs got me up in the morning with a happy face and wagging tail. They looked at me in bewilderment if I did not take them for a walk or play with them. When I cried, they came and sat by me and and pawed my hand, and looked into my eyes with alarm. They ate with me and slept with me, like a wolf pack does.  I had to cheer up, just so they would not be distressed. My cats seemed to see things in the air, and cried out into the empty rooms, maybe wondering where my husband was, and then curled up for comfort, in my lap.

     Yes, my pets are my family, and yesterday was the last day for my two feline members. One was sicker than the other, but since they had been together since birth, and the timid one would have been left behind for maybe a few weeks more, I sent them to Rainbow Bridge together. They were nearly 18, had pampered, healthy lives, after having been abandoned as kittens. They came into our house and immediately befriended us, the dogs, and our other cats. Goodbye, my little orange bookend boys, Ivan and Igor, who very often sat in the same position at the same time. I missed you this morning on the kitchen chairs when came down for my tea, and I will miss you every day.

Fortelling Dream

    I remembered a dream from last night. it was not a bad dream though, so I did not feel so foggy this morning. When I have disturbing dreams, especially ones that I can only remember a fragment of, I feel a little off balance, and it takes me a few minutes to focus on the morning at hand.  But after this dream, I felt very elated upon waking. I got out of bed, smiling.
    It was about leaving things and people behind that I don't want to be around. I walked away from an empty space, which looked like a large warehouse room with a cement floor. It was cold and sterile. I knew that I was leaving there, and was going on a trip to Italy, a foreign country I have always longed to visit, and I was going there with some man. In the dream, I was excited., but I had forgotten what he was wearing when I saw him last,  and so, looked around, and could not find him in the crowd. I thought he had disappeared, and that I would be making this trip alone, but then I saw him catching up to me, and he had on a different coat than I had thought. We walked together, going on our way, I think towards some sort of a boarding area, which was a raised platform. I felt happy in the dream, leaving behind the two cars that we had driven there in,  and a female singer I used to be very friendly with, but am not much, anymore. She was singing in her irritating style, and her voice faded as we walked on towards our destination. I felt free. I felt safe in my decision to make this trip with this man.
      I don't know who the man was. I had recognized him , but when I woke up, the vision faded away, and I could not remember his face that had seemed so familiar and friendly in the dream, but doubt if it was my current boyfriend. Thus begins my new journey, when upon awakening, I knew that my subconscious was trying to tell me something important.