Frankenstein and Chemistry

Frankenstein and Chemistry

It was pure chemistry when Frankenstein’s Monster was introduced to his potential Bride, by their creator, Dr. Frankenstein. At least it was so, on the monster’s part. That moment when the lonely and forlorn monster, who had wandered the earth, feeling pangs at every moment, for the misfit he was, with no one to understand him, was the most brilliant depiction of hope and connection I had ever seen on the screen.

There she stood, his Bride, with all of her flaws showing in a very bold and gaudy way, in her frightful hair, her torn dress, and all of her scars, yet the Monster gazed at her as if she were nothing short of female perfection, rendered only for him to love and to bond with, in all ways, instantaneously, and completely. His heart was captivated by her, in a way that no outsider would understand, and no one ever needs to. Too bad she did not feel the same way,and recoiled and hissed at him for his efforts, but that is beside the point of my observation.

I long to become a Bride of Frankenstein, in a flash or a word, for some kindred spirit, who sees beauty behind my flaws, and touches me with a quiet fanfare of his heart, meant only for me, bad hair day, or not.  I promise I won’t hiss at hiss at him, either.

A Stupid Word

 A STUPID WORD


Recently, while getting coffee with a friend at a neighborhood eatery, I ran into a man, a musician I knew, from our local open mic. I said ‘hello how are you,’ and all I got in return was a gruff shake of

his head, and a look of annoyance as he passed me by. I looked at my friend with  surprise and query, and she simply said, ‘oh, don’t mind him, he’s just very lonely,.’ Yesterday, someone told me that he had died of some sort of prescription drug overdose, possibly suicide.
 

Lonely, is one of the stupidest words in the English language. It in no way describes  the depth of the  meaning as it really is. It sounds trite, and diminutive to call someone lonely or even say ’ I’m lonely.’ It reminds me of a  a nickname, like ‘Suzie,’ or ‘Ricky,’ cute, happy sounding names, that are short and unimportant.

So instead of saying lonely, let’s say what the dictionary defines it as, for instance: affected with, characterized by, or causing a depressing feeling of being alone;
destitute of sympathetic or friendly companionship, intercourse, or support.
I think that is more like what this poor wretch was living with, that contributed to his demise.

And by the way, this cute little word is also a death knell to a conversation of any type. In this modern world, it seems unacceptable for anyone to admit to being lonely, yet I know lots of people who are, and find it hard to do anything about. If we can’t even say this stupid word in describing a feeling to someone else how can we possibly admit that things are so wrong in our life at the moment and admit to feeling ,’destitute of sympathetic or friendly companionship?’ I, for one will start using the later as a means of expressing my isolation and gripping fear of abandonment.

Moonbeams

  Moonbeams


 Remember that scene in IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE? when James Stewart and Donna Reid were outside, under a moonlit sky, staring, all big eyed at each other, and waiting for the right moment to have a first kiss? James Stewart's romantic monologue deteriorated into a long, fantastic speech about how he would lasso the moon for her, so she could swallow it, and she would glow all the way down to the tips of her hair.   He was going to go on, but was interrupted by an old man sitting on his porch, who said, "Why don't you kiss her instead of talking her to death?" The best line in the whole movie was that one, as far as I'm concerned.
     Now I like to be kissed, but I really enjoy a man who can talk me to death, and look into my eyes at the same time. It doesn't matter if he's talking about TV shows, or blues music, or a what happened to him that day. A man who is interested in telling me something, anything about what he thinks, and can engage me about any number of topics is worth all the moonbeams in the night sky to me. Maybe I'll get to kiss him later, maybe I won't, but I feel like I've been taken to Paris during that conversation. I even dream about it.
     One night I had a dream about a certain man I talk to on the phone. In the dream, we lived in the same apartment building, and one day, I could not find my keys.   I knocked on his door and asked if he would help me find them.  He helped me look, and then I realized I'd had them in my jacket pocket, all along. I thanked him for helping me, and said as I was leaving, " I wish I could go somewhere with you and just talk."
     "Have you ever been to Paris?" he answered, smiling into my eyes.
     "Yes," I giggled, "but not in many years."
     Paris and moonbeams, Wow!!!

 There are moonbeams in Dublin, too.

Replacement Value

Replacement Value



I heard a guy I know complaining about his girlfriend being put out with him say, "She'll probably replace me soon...in fact, she'll probably replace me with a dog!"  We chuckled.

In fact, my life has made that turn. I asked my boyfriend to leave, which he did, this week, due to issues that have been spiraling out of control, and I decided to replace his absence with another dog. The dog will likely appreciate his new home, be glad to sit with me at night, not complain, and generally be happy to have a loving home with me, and my three other dogs.

Vivacity or Stagnation?

     We often ask the question of happiness to ourselves as well as other. Am I happy? Are you happy?  It is a sort of general question, inferring that happiness should be forefront in our lives as a general rule. It seems we expect the answer to be 'yes,' most of the time.  But I think we are just answering the way we think we should answer in order to sound fulfilled, or right-minded, or pleasant to others.   I, for one, do not expect to be actually happy, all of the time.
      I do like to be happy or contented, whether just because of one incident or thought, or for days at a time, week, maybe months. There was a time in my life when my husband was alive, that I was actually happy most of the time. I was smug about my life and good fortune, and for some reason, I lived as if I thought it would never end, or at least not for many years. I had all but forgotten about any unhappiness I had experienced prior to my marriage of over two decades. My husband and I sometimes huddled together in a quick, silent fear of what old age might bring, but it was only for a flash, because we were healthy and vibrant, and could put the thought out of our minds. We laughed and talked and planned as if our time would never end. Maybe that is the way contentment is supposed to make us feel. Cancer, and then death came to us, taking away everything from my life that was good and happy, except for my pets and physical home.
     A friend asked me the other day how my current relationship was going, and I told her that I was not 'happy' in the least, but more in limbo. She scoffed in disgust at the thought, and said, "Happiness is not even in the equation for me anymore,' explaining that she was so used to being unfulfilled, yet getting through each day with perhaps, some pleasantness or satisfaction in her work or other interests. And that's it???
     To me, a relationship, a true partnership needs vibrancy and freshness. It needs to feel full, even if not actually 'happy' all of the time. Like when you first meet someone, and you can't wait to talk to them again, and tell them what you think, and know that they are interested.  Likewise, you, waiting to ask this question or that, wanting to get to know them better, and feel their essence when they speak, and engage you in conversation and thoughts. I expect that sort of communication to be with us during our entire relationship, for however many years we live together. Without it, I would not only be unhappy, unfulfilled, disconnected, but isolated, as if I were living alone,  never mind the creature comforts, or friends, we may still share.
      If someone is regularly disinterested in talking to me about what we both think, then there is no longer a connection worth salvaging. If I find it again with someone else, I will cherish that relationship, and that person, and revel in the vibrancy and true intimacy between us.

1987, Coxsackie, NY property

My Pets, My Family

     I often get surprised expressions when I refer to my cats and dogs as 'my family,' but they truly are.  I have no human family to speak of, except my sister who is very far away. No children, no aunts, uncles, cousins,  no longer a husband, no one.

     My late husband and I cherished our pets, and enjoyed including them in our daily life. After he was gone, and I was in deep grief, my dogs got me up in the morning with a happy face and wagging tail. They looked at me in bewilderment if I did not take them for a walk or play with them. When I cried, they came and sat by me and and pawed my hand, and looked into my eyes with alarm. They ate with me and slept with me, like a wolf pack does.  I had to cheer up, just so they would not be distressed. My cats seemed to see things in the air, and cried out into the empty rooms, maybe wondering where my husband was, and then curled up for comfort, in my lap.

     Yes, my pets are my family, and yesterday was the last day for my two feline members. One was sicker than the other, but since they had been together since birth, and the timid one would have been left behind for maybe a few weeks more, I sent them to Rainbow Bridge together. They were nearly 18, had pampered, healthy lives, after having been abandoned as kittens. They came into our house and immediately befriended us, the dogs, and our other cats. Goodbye, my little orange bookend boys, Ivan and Igor, who very often sat in the same position at the same time. I missed you this morning on the kitchen chairs when came down for my tea, and I will miss you every day.

Fortelling Dream

    I remembered a dream from last night. it was not a bad dream though, so I did not feel so foggy this morning. When I have disturbing dreams, especially ones that I can only remember a fragment of, I feel a little off balance, and it takes me a few minutes to focus on the morning at hand.  But after this dream, I felt very elated upon waking. I got out of bed, smiling.
    It was about leaving things and people behind that I don't want to be around. I walked away from an empty space, which looked like a large warehouse room with a cement floor. It was cold and sterile. I knew that I was leaving there, and was going on a trip to Italy, a foreign country I have always longed to visit, and I was going there with some man. In the dream, I was excited., but I had forgotten what he was wearing when I saw him last,  and so, looked around, and could not find him in the crowd. I thought he had disappeared, and that I would be making this trip alone, but then I saw him catching up to me, and he had on a different coat than I had thought. We walked together, going on our way, I think towards some sort of a boarding area, which was a raised platform. I felt happy in the dream, leaving behind the two cars that we had driven there in,  and a female singer I used to be very friendly with, but am not much, anymore. She was singing in her irritating style, and her voice faded as we walked on towards our destination. I felt free. I felt safe in my decision to make this trip with this man.
      I don't know who the man was. I had recognized him , but when I woke up, the vision faded away, and I could not remember his face that had seemed so familiar and friendly in the dream, but doubt if it was my current boyfriend. Thus begins my new journey, when upon awakening, I knew that my subconscious was trying to tell me something important.

Sychronicity at Work

     I don't believe that 'everything happens for a reason,' as the saying goes. I do believe that some things happen for a reason, for instance to move you forward in a decision, or get you thinking about a situation you're  in that might no longer be beneficial. I think that these events of synchronicity are not of our making, but come to us at a time when we need a change, a reflection, a move of one kind or another.
     When I was young, I saw synchronicity as an event that would push me in a direction. For instance, a break up with a boyfriend, or waking up too late to go to class and give a presentation in a design class, made me think it was definitely time to drop out of my college studies and head for Manhattan and become an actress. Maybe that was so, maybe it was just what I wanted to believe was the right course for me.  I did not pursue acting for very long, deciding after two years that was not what my inner drive was made for, but art and design, after all.
     Many years later, I still know that the best thing I ever did for myself was make that move, at that time, and do what I did.  College was still there for me to return to, and I discovered that I had developed a thick skin about my creative endeavors, which allowed me, in later years to take direction and do well financially with my talents, and not waste time on sensitive feelings, if a client or agent did not love one of my designs as much I as thought they should. Living in Manhattan and doing odd modeling jobs, soap opera walk-ons, and generally living from hand to mouth for those two years, also taught me that I never had to be afraid to work free lance in anything I chose. Another successful outcome of my youthful desire to  become an actress. My late husband and  I did some technical legal work for over 30 years, free lance, had many clients, free time and a bountiful living.
     Maybe breaking up with a short term boyfriend whom I seldom ever thought of again, or missing a class project deadline and earning a 'D' as a grade, was synchronicity at work, pushing me on to something else: Manhattan. At the time, I thought it was a calling for me to become an actress. Looking back, the picture seems much bigger:  it was a calling for me to make a change that would reveal what direction I really wanted to go in, no matter how badly I was stuck on that actress notion. Those acting class taught me much more than how to act.
    Many years later, I feel that meeting certain people is synchronicity. I can usually feel it when I meet them, right off, even though the purpose of our connection may not be divulged right away. It may even take years. I feel a certain, and important influence by their smile, their comment, or the way they walk past me. If I try to ignore the feeling, it keeps coming back to me, whenever I see them or hear of them. I tell myself it might be a simple attraction to a man, and I can just turn my head and it won't matter, but certain signals are pointing to this person for some reason.
      The type of person that needs an explanation for everything, by 'explaining everything away,' as I see it, might say this were just a simple male - female attraction, but I don't think so. Maybe we were brought together for some other purpose, during a time of reflection, for both of us, in our lives. So separate for even the several years we have known one another, and now, at a time for action, I, at least, will make new and important choices in my life because he spoke to me about miscellaneous topics and shared some laughter with me. What does it mean for him, I wonder, and is this reciprocal synchronicity, or is it just meant for me?  I have no doubt that Time will reveal the reason, and a new path.

Stay Calm

     When I was getting very low, just around Christmastime last year, and wondering how I could free myself from an unhappy relationship, I kept having a thought of my departed husband being in a bookstore he used to frequent, and felt he was there, waiting for me.  I drove past the place several times in a week, and felt such a pull, that I wanted to stop and see if there were anything to explore, or see.
     One day I made up my my mind to go there, stopped, and walked around the building, now occupied by other businesses, and went to the window where once a large history section used to be.  I did not see anything with my earthly eyes, but felt that he was there, a book in hand, and looking over his glasses at me from out of the window. I had been crying so much that week, and felt the tears flowing again, until I heard him in my mind, saying to me,"stay calm." There was no other message from him.
    Staying calm was the last thing on my mind, as patience has never been my strong point. I was hurt, angry, lonely, and trapped, and I wanted some sort of revelation about what I could do, immediately, to wriggle out of my current situation. But nothing else was said. He was looking at me, still, as if he intended that I take his words seriously. "Stay calm."
    Oddly, and very unlike me, I stopped crying, walked away, and felt a strange sense of peace. Four months later, as I write this, I still see him, and hear his words, and it has kept me strangely tranquil in the middle of an on going tempest in my daily life. I believe the impact of this vision will keep reminding me to return to this state of calm, at least until I am able to take action and end a failing relationship, which  I can't repair, and which robs me of my energy.
    When I have experiences that I can't explain, I simply leave it at that. I don't try to explain it away, by saying I was tired or distraught, or that in my grief I  only wished that I would have such an experience.  Nor do I insist it was really the spirit of my husband coming to comfort me. It was otherworldly, whether in in my subconscious,  or from God's hand. I just remind myself that there is a lot out there we don't know about, and that is explanation enough for this very powerful vision. I will put my feet up and wait until the moment is right, all on its own, and do little to rush it, which may cause everyone more pain.

Sky Blue Wulf, calmly waiting...

Are Castles Magical?

At a very low point in my life, after I had lost my husband to cancer, and found that no matter how much time had passed, I could never find any peace or joy in anything except my dogs, I made several trips to England, the land of my ancestors. I had traveled there before, most notably on our honeymoon, and my husband and I had visited the area where my ancestors lived. We touched their walls, and walked in their paths. I wanted to return and find a connection to all of my past, not only with my husband, but with my ancestors, since I have very little in the way of a living family. I believed that if I touched the walls of medieval castles, I would connect with these departed 'family members,' and feel some calm and peace. I don't really know why I believed this so deeply, other than the grief drove me to desperation of seeking a spiritual way to find my way out of the pain and loneliness. I touched many castles on that first trip; Ludlow Castle, Shrewsbury Castle, Carlisle Castle, Edinburgh Castle, Tower of London, the city walls of York and the city wall of London. Guess what???? It did not work at all! I was as miserable and lost as before I had the idea that this would work to heal me. A few months later I made another trip and visited other places and touched more castles, and then another, when I stayed six months and touched even more, still clinging to this belief that it would cure me of my depression, and help me to find my way in the world again. It  never worked. Maybe I did not allow it to, but I did feel the connection with my ancestors, and with my husband, so at least in the spirit world, I was definitely not alone, even if I was in the living world. Maybe it just took time to seep into me, and fade the nervousness and sleeplessness I had for so long. I'm still very glad I toured all of those English castles, and more. Maybe seeing them did help me, because I got out and saw something fantastic, instead of just staying in my house and suffering alone. The medieval structures of the past  brought me back out into the world of the present again.

Fairy Rath

Every Irishman knows the possible mayhem that could result from venturing too near a Fairy Rath. Fairies do not like to be disturbed by humans, and  could use it as an invitation to haunt, tease, or frighten them. This raised mound surrounded by a thick growth of trees is where the fairies may have dwelt for centuries. A highway project, for instance, that destroys this fairy haven may incur the extreme wrath of the fairies, this evidence manifesting itself in the death of the men who worked on the new road, or the destruction of their own homes. But an innocent man who simply walks near the fairy house, in hopes of getting a  glance of these otherworldly creatures, may simply be followed and haunted by a female fairy, and never able to get her out of his mind. She may taunt him with her strange spirit, and remain forever, just out of reach to his touch. Perhaps it is that beautiful torture that he longs for, and that drew him near the rath to begin with., but you will have to ask him what he seeks, for I do not know.  Beware of what gets under your skin, Irishman! Or should the impertinent fairy be cautious of attaching herself to the stray human?